Letters to an imaginary girlfriend : Two

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Hi love,

I know I can call you that now!

I’ve been home for a day now. We’ve been away for two days now, and that solitude I so dreaded, has finally engulfed us. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, maybe, there’s too much of a flourish in how I’m writing this. But that is also how I feel.

I have lived the past month so many times in this one day, to have already gone through the troughs of happiness, and depression. And all through it, I still cannot believe that we are in fact doing this. Because let’s just be honest here, I am broken. I am not really.. I don’t know how to say this.. I’m not worthy of you. I don’t know why I say that. Maybe, it’s a lifetime of being this way.

That is not cheery. At all.

And that, brings me to the other aspect of this. I’ve also had time to think of what this is; what you are to me, what I am to you, and perhaps, what we are, to each other. We have not defined that. My issue is not that we haven’t defined us, for this is love, and you can not really define it, or so I feel, it’s one of the most wonderful things we can have in life, yes, but there is no easy way to say what love is. So no my issue is not that we haven’t defined us, my issue is that we haven’t tried. Because that says we are still very much attracted to each other. We are still blinded by affection. We are still where there is a fog around us, where we haven’t gotten around to looking at the bad stuff about each other.

I hope that makes some sense.

So, I’ve thought about what we are to each other, what defines us, and I believe if there is one thing that can, and should define us, it must be a promise of telling each other whatever we want to. There can, and should not be any second measures to it. We have to be honest to each other, if this thing we are in, has to last. And I want it to last. I know you do too.

I can not leave you at just that though. I must explain to you; why honesty? Why not anything else? And I must also tell you, why we must not have any exceptions to it. It is all a jumble in my head, let me try and make some sense of it, and try to make it seem sensible to you too.

It is actually pretty simple. Remember the times when the teachers told us that the answers lie in the questions themselves. It is kind of like that.

Two people, in this case, you and me, we decide to share our lives, that’s what ‘we are together means’, no? You share your lives. And when you keep doing it enough, and when you’ve done it enough you turn from you, and I, to us. So, there, sharing. That’s the keyword. Sharing.

We, you, and I, are mere mortals. Humans. We make mistakes. I make mistakes. I am dumb. I do stupid things. And so, I don’t feel that I am a good enough judge of deciding what I get to share with you. You should have the full dataset in order to make a proper inference. You need everything, to begin with, so that you can sift through it later. To decide, what matters to us, as an entity, and what does not. And so, it goes for you.

Honesty breeds trust. Or maybe it’s the other way around.

But the thing is, that is what the cornerstone, the bedrock of a relationship is. More so, when we are separated by hundreds of kilometers. Before this, I was a staunch believer in the statement that long distance things don’t last. It is still early days for us, I know, but I feel we can make it. I know we can make it. And I know we will make it.

Looking to seeing you soon.

Yours,

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